Ru – mi - nate

Some closing thoughts.

When I formally accepted the internship at Botshabelo, I had these little gremlin thoughts running through my head -

You aren’t good enough
You aren’t smart enough
You don’t know what you’re doing
Who do you think you are?

I was totally marred with shame about my capacity and ability to succeed at a challenging placement.

The thing is, in studying or practicing social work, I feel like there is this strange pressure to be perfect. I remember one time someone was mad at me for how I was reacting to a stressful situation and she was like, “Aren’t you going to be a counselor or something?” suggesting that my behavior and reaction was totally out of character for someone who is supposed to ‘have it all together’. As a future practitioner, I felt this totally unnecessary pressure to be unnaturally Zen and confident and enlightened about certain things. I think that this weird pressure I felt made me feel less confident and more questioning of my own strengths. Additionally, the pressure to perform and be a super student in graduate school is like a thirty-ton weight. Perfection, perfection! Of course, everyone runs around saying that getting all A's and being the #1 superstar doesn't matter in graduate school... but they're all just bullshitters (excuse my language) because we are all working our tails off to go above and beyond our best. I think that ultimately, these internalizations of perfectionism are really harmful and paralyzing. They're uncomfortable, to say the least.

At Botshabelo, I bathed in uncomfortable. Fortunately, I learned to be adaptive in all those squeamish moments. BUT – it took about 3 months for this to take place. It took 3 months of being scared, of holding back, and of not believing in myself enough for me to do the work I wanted to do.  I was incredibly nervous to do work that could be really meaningful. Because -- oh, God -- what if it wasn’t perfect?

What if I FAILED?

The thought of failure was just too devastating. Unbearable, in fact. And it held me back.

But, during my stay at Botshabelo I have learned that I am good enough. Perfection is the antithesis of growth and change. I am so happy to have let perfection go, because it was keeping me from having those vulnerable moments where important development happened. When I decided to release the little shackles of being “the IDEAL social work intern”, I was able to bolster up some serious self-confidence and engaged in projects that I am pretty psyched about.

Currently, I am finishing up a needs assessment and yearly evaluation for our poverty alleviation village (Kashani Village). I made hand-drawn maps of Kashani Village for the local EMS and police. I even redistricted Kashani (I hope that before I leave we can re-number all the housing). I was able to have the wonderful and talented Rachael Beavers master-up a lovely artist impression/rendering of our school (for which I am writing a grant to get remodeled). I was able to assist with clinical/case management and ended up loving it despite the fact that my concentration is not clinically focused. I even am trying to implement a new trash/litter system in Kashani Village (a clean village means a happy village, amiright?). But it took a long time to get to a place where I could start these projects. I was halted by the fear of failure.

The best part of it all:
In the midst of all these projects and getting over my fears, I was also able to connect and genuinely engage with the children and families of our community. I feel like rather than just learning viable skills, what I really took advantage of was learning about the profound strength of the human heart. This was done by just doing life with my community. I did not write a process recording, I did not write an integrative learning plan, and I did not construct a complicated capstone paper. I just lived side-by-side with people who have been faced with insurmountable tragedy.

You see, at the core of all the social work practice theories and theoretical models lies humanity. So, I have gotten the unique opportunity to learn about the very foundation of my profession - the absolute cellular level of my academic world.

And I feel really good about it.

Looking back, I feel like social work found me... like, it crept out of the woodwork and was all, "I'm here to change your life, so hold on". Five years down the road and two degrees later, I am just so honored to have joined this cohort of truly inspiring and courageous people. You know, I think that as a teenager I struggled a lot with the concept of purpose... I just didn’t have any. I didn’t know why or what or how to be Christy. Social work gave me purpose and has helped guide me through the strange journey of finding Christy. It's been terrifying/painful/fulfilling/exciting/exhausting.

So, those are my sentimental and sappy reflections on the past four months.

And now the job search begins.

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I also want to share my pictures from last weekend. Luckily, I was able to take the 19-hour bus ride down to Cape Town for the second time. When I go to Cape Tow I stay with the other UT student placed in South Africa, Kathryn. Kathryn is a great weekend planner. Needless to say, what she planned for us turned out to be possibly the best weekend of my life. 

First – we decided to go on a wine tour of one of South Africa’s most beautiful vineyard towns, Franschhoek.

Franschhoek was founded by the French in the 17^th century and it’s possibly the most beautiful place I have ever been. While eating a picnic lunch in a secluded forest grove we all happy-cried because the scenery was so beautiful. Obviously, I am sure this feeling of elation was exacerbated by the amount of alcohol coursing through our bodies. We ended up going to 3 different wineries/vineyards. The first one was called Boschendal and it's second oldest winery in South Africa. There we went on a cellar tour, which was surprisingly stinky but also very cool. The second winery where we had our picnic was called Solms-Delta. We took a little tractor out to this dreamy forest opening and ate and drank for about 3 or 4 hours. This is where the memory gets hazy. I have no idea what the last winery was called.

I had never been to a winery or a vineyard before this trip and very unsurprisingly it felt like home. I now feel determined to visit vineyards around the world. I want to drink all the wine.

The next day we climbed Table Mountain. It's the largest mountain in Cape Town and it took 7 hours. This is impressive, concerning we drank for 18 hours straight before going on our hike. Once we got to the top of Table Mountain we skipped over to the Table Mountain Cafe (which, yes is on the top of the moutain) and ate ice cream cones. I also had a much needed glass of Peroni. Fortunately, with our bellies full, we were able to take the cable car down. It was a fulfilling experience and I got lovely pictures. I mean... we climbed a waterfall! I saw a family of African lizards. We played on rocks that looked like dinosaur skulls. Could it get any better? 

Tree head

The last winery. I think it was called La Motte?

The cutest, most over-priced store.

A British man poured us wine at these tables. He was very serious.

Proof that the last vineyard was called La Motte.

I don't remember what this was, but it's pretty!

The statue to the left reminds me of these statues in Norway. This was in the town of Franschhoek.

Allison climbing some random jungly ladders.

Table Mountain had like.. 7 different biomes on the way up. Everything looked different every few yards.

Two hours up!

Top of Table Mountain! And there was sand?

Dino skulls

Kathryn's favorite flowers

Here are some of Kathryn's Photos:

Gazing past the Misty Mountains in search of Rohan. Just kidding.

We are all UT students. So, you know... we had to. Hook 'em.

The picnic.

Allison and I being very excited about our 37th glass of wine.

I hope people have enjoyed reading the blog as much as I have enjoyed sharing it. Even though it's been relatively self-righteous and slightly self-gratuitous, I am glad I was able to share my experience through this medium. Please stay updated for my final blog post next week! 

I will be leaving South Africa on May 5th and landing at DFW May 6th. I have 8 days left. Leaving is going to be messy and hard and sad, I'm sure. But... I so look forward to seeing my friends and family.

Shout outs:

Morgan - That was a really kind letter. You have no idea how much I appreciated it.
Holly - Receiving that giant package made me feel like a kid on Christmas. You are the best. AND Happy Birthday, of course! 24.. you're an old maid :0

Bailey - Your package was so perfect. I am obsessed with the soaps and I love them so much I refuse to use them. I only smell them. Also, Happy 23rd Birthday my love.

I will dearly miss living in the coolest place on the whole PLANET! Africa forever 2013.

Much love,

Christy

False power stands like a tower

Invictus
William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the Pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Hooror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

Nelson Mandela claimed that this poem helped him get through his 27 years of imprisonment.

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It's time I talk about aparthied.

Apartheid definitions:
- apartness
- the status of being apart
- (in South Africa) A policy or system of segregation or discrimination on grounds of race.

Apartheid laws in South Africa favored white supremacy and largely marginalized the non white communities. The apartheid era is famous for the oppression that was carried out on the behalf of the state against South Africa's many anti-apartheid activists. Although apartheid formally ended in the early 1990's, the legacies it left behind in Africa are still prevalent. The Dutch came and colonized South Africa in the 19th century (lured by the South Africa's natural resource, gold) and in 1941 the Dutch claimed that, "the White man now rules the nation of South Africa". Mixing amongst races in the ghettos and slums created fear in the Dutch concerning 'racial purity' and thus began apartheid.

Yesterday, I went to the Apartheid Museum in Johannesburg with Daphne and Mamasi, our friend from Botshabelo. This little trip to the museum turned into a huge personal journey. I was able to take all the small pieces of what I have learned at Robben Island and through my research of Nelson Mandela and put everything together in a streamlined timeline of events. Yesterday a nation's history became clear to me.

As we walked into the apartheid museum we were separated by the entrance. Daphne and I were forced to go through the 'white only' doors and Mamasi had to go through the 'non white' doors (because she's black). It was an interesting way to introduce us to the discomfort of the apartheid era. This entrance, which is supposed to be very dramatic and self-reflective, turned into a confusing maze for Daphne. She got so concerned that Mamasi was separated from us. She was yelling, "Mamasi! Come back! How will we get to you? Where are you going?" I tried to quickly explain to Daphne that Mamasi had to go through different doors and up a different entrance so we can feel what apartheid was like. This concept was too much for Daph. Eventually a museum guide came up and was like, "Do you need help? Do you need a guide?" This was maybe the cutest thing Daph has done (almost as cute as her leper impression).

Anyways, once we were reunited and inside the museum, it quickly became clear that the apartheid museum is more than just a destination - it's a journey. We went through the temporary Nelson Mandela  exhibit and through the permanent apartheid history exhibit. We journeyed through the beginning of the political upheavals, the transition of a nation divided, and the uprising of black consciousness. The exhibits ended with images and videos displaying the release of Nelson Mandela, which led to the final negotiations for peace and the beginning of a new democracy (under which Nelson Mandela was elected president of in 1994).

You know, we all learned about Nelson Mandela sometime during our primary school years. We all knew he was a 'good man' that did 'something important in Africa' and some of us new he was 'the man who went to jail for a long time'. But he is just so much more than an important man who did something good. He paved a path of equality in South Africa. Nelson Mandela held important leadership roles in the African Nation Congress (the ANC), the opposition of the apartheid political party. The ANC is famous for wanting to kick out all the Europeans. In lamen terms, Nelson was like, "Hellllll nooooo! We are all equals! We can all live here". When he was released from prison he united all the sick-minded apartheid people and all the disenfranchised black Africans and told them that they were going to get along and live side-by-side. At one of his trials in 1961 Nelson proclaimed, "We are not anti-white, we are against white supremacy... we have condemned racialism no matter by whom it is professed". He dedicated his entire life to equality. So, of course, I bought a poster at the museum gift shop. Nelson forever, ya'll.

Ok... I feel like I am explaining apartheid and Nelson Mandela's influence on political change in the lamest way possible. I'm a little strapped for time and can't really explain South Africa's history in one little blog entry. It is undoubtedly interesting, though. I encourage everyone to do some of their own apartheid/Nelson Mandela research.

So, right now I feel like my stubborn sense of fairness and equality is making me crazy. After studying Mandela and after pouring over the political history of South Africa, I have become completely obsessed with modern philosophy on moral character. I'm not entirely sure what led me to the focus on moral character, but I suppose that apartheid seems so innately immoral (as does any form of apartheid/segregation/racism) that I have a really hard time fathoming the people and places that spawn such horrible ideals. The other night I spent hours scouring the Standford Encyclopedia of Philosophy reading and reading and reading, picking through musings on the nature of virtue. What is considered admirable moral character? How does one become virtuous? Is it taught? Are we born with it? Nature vs. nurture? Are we at all responsible for its development?

Here is a picture of Daphne, Mamasi and I. We are hanging out of a truck that was used in Soweto to control the anti-apartheid protest mobs during the uprisings in the 1970's. We are making our best 'fight for equality' faces. 

In other news, Daphne leaves this Monday. I can't write about it because I'll start crying. She will definitely be missed.  Oh, and I only have one more month to go at Botshabelo. I will be sure to post at least three more blogs before my time ends here. Check next week for updates! This next upcoming week I will be presenting a Nelson Mandela curriculum to the students at Botshabelo. I will do a two-hour lesson with every grade on South Africa's sociopolitical history. This should be interesting! I am calling my segment, Born Free: A history of South Africa. Born Free is actually an M.I.A. song and I wonder if I should include listening to the song as part of the curriculum. Ha!

Much love,

Christy

Spring Break

Spring Break

Before I go into my trip to Cape Town for Spring Break, I just want to briefly talk about something really important.

On Sunday, as we were climbing a mountain called Lion’s Head, Daphne and I got an important phone call. As we were descending, Daphne got a call from our roommate, Niels. He informed us that our dear friend Dee had passed away earlier that afternoon. This was devastating news. Daphne, Niels, and I had all developed an important relationship with Dee during our time at Botshabelo. Dee was the 1^st grade teacher I took the place of in February. She was a mother, a grandmother, a sister, a friend and a savoir. She had two children of her own and a black son she adopted. Dee was white Afrikaans and she comes from a generation of people who were (are) extremely racist and unjust. However, Dee was different. Dee loved all people despite skin color. She even worked closely with the SPCA in South Africa and adopted and fostered multiple stray pets. She came to Botshabelo when her family business went bankrupt and took a teaching position. Dee was ostracized by her family for adopting a black child and the only people that would talk to her were her children.  Dee’s death will go unnoticed by many in her community and even her family, but I want to share with all my readers what a kind, loving, and beautiful person Dee was. Dee loved unconditionally, fought for equality and justice, and was a martyr for the underserved. May she rest in peace. We all love you and miss you, Dee. 

I also want to share my time in Cape Town, so please enjoy these pictures. The first group of photos is from our time spent in Muizenberg, a surf city outside Cape Town. I quite enjoyed our trip to this beach. The amount of manly attractive surfer men was almost overwhelming. BABE ALERT, you guys.

The next group of photos is from our trip to Robben Island. This is the prison where Nelson Mandela spent 27 years behind bars. It's a beautiful island off the Cape. Before Robben Island became a prison for political prisoners it was a leper colony. I actually have a silly story about the leper colony. Ok, so, when Daph and I were sitting in the tour bus on Robben Island, the tour guide started to explain the history of the leper colony. Daph's English isn't the best so I was helping her understand the tour guide. I was like, "Do you know what leprosy is?" and she goes, "Yeah, it's like this" and she bent her limbs all crooked and made this really weird sick face and all I could think was, "Yes... that's actually really accurate...". We were laughing so hard! But leprosy isn't funny, it's sad. Daph just does a really good leper impression. Enjoy these pictures.

Nelson Mandela's Cell

Nelson Mandela's bathroom!

A picture when all Robben Island Prisoners were released. Freeeeedom!

I feel like this would be a good time to start talking about apartheid... But, that will have to wait until next week after I have visited the apartheid museum in Johannesburg. 

Of course, we also spent some time climbing the mountains of the Cape. Here are pictures of Lion’s Head Mountain. Daphne was not a fan of this mountain. Kathryn and I, however, had an amazing time.

Anddddd finally, please enjoy these pictures of mine and Daph’s adventure with great white sharks. I don’t have any pictures of the sharks because I was too busy puking over the side of the boat. After 5 hours in the choppy waters of the Atlantic, I was so sick I couldn’t even lift my camera for pictures. By the time I was actually in the water with the sharks, I was so worried I was going to puke on the sharks; I hardly noticed the great whites swimming next to me. All in all this adventure would have been significantly better if I hadn’t gotten so seasick. It was still really awesome, though. I bought a video of our trip, so I can just show it to anyone interested when I get home. Luckily, they didn't film me vomiting everywhere.

See the outline of the shark?!

So, that was my Spring Break. After we got back to Botshabelo, I had to clean up a hut that was previously inhabited by a man who is now dying of septicemia (his foot was infected with gangrene and now the worms are just eating his entire leg). There is just nothing better than coming home from paradise to clean up an infested village hut! I got some good pictures of this experience. We ended up burning everything because all his stuff was infested with bed bugs. Have you ever seen a mattress ripple when you touched it? I have! And not because it was soft. It was infested with bed bugs. Seriously, this hut was a public health petri dish. We called each other the 'Septicemia Clean-up Crew 2013'. I have never smelled something so vile. I even found maggots that could swim and they had little tails. I researched them and they are called Rat-Tail maggots. They are often found in sewage. These maggots even live in gastrointestinal tracts. That means the previous inhabitant of this hut also had these worms because I found them in his toilet. YOU GUYS, I am a scientist. Thanks, wikipedia.

After we cleaned and disinfected

I love Cape Town. I love Africa. I love these people. I even love Rat-Tail Maggots. Maybe I won’t ever come back home.

Christy