Growing Pains

Dumela! That means hello in Tswana.

Time for some updates. This week it was decided I would now be teaching 1^st grade! One of the 1^st grade teachers is very sick and I am her replacement. So, in addition to the schoolwork, papers, projects, and writing I have to complete for UT and Botshabelo – I also get to be a teacher from 7am till 2pm! The biggest hurdle so far has been the language barrier. Most of the kids speak Tswana (they learn English by about 3^rd grade). I am trying to learn as much Tswana as I can ASAP. I have 21 kids in my class. Here are some of their names: Modise, Ikomatseng, Busi, Boitumelo, Lucky, Paballo, Puseleto, Jessica, Given, Thato, Monty, Naledi, Alex, Thembi, Mviko, Dineo, Gift, Gosego, and Obakeng.

This week we went on a nature walk around the village and up the mountain. We stopped and rested at the Wishing Pile I mentioned in the previous blog. To get to the Wishing Pile we had to go through the cemetery. As we were going through the cemetery some of the children would stop and be like, “this is my Dad” or “this is my Mom”. That sort of caught me off guard. It was really strange to see these kids hugging a gravestone and being like, “yes, this is my parent”. I wanted to just sit down and cry. I felt so sad.

Before our nature walk Marion was telling me some of the children’s stories and it was so intense. I found out one of my favorite kids is HIV positive because she was raped when she was two. A man broke into her mother’s house and raped both of them in the middle of the night. ALL of the kids at Botshabelo have stories like that… Stories so disgusting and horrific that I have a hard time fathoming they’re even real (but they are so so so painfully real).

SO, here I am getting all teary-eyed on this nature walk, watching all these kids be so brave and I just wanted to go home and sleep. I was overwhelmed that morning. At that moment in time I just wanted to escape because it was too much. I felt myself wanting to get on online and busy myself with school and e-mail... or eat... or drink a very very large beer. Man, I just wanted a cigarette.  My mind just immediately began to think of ways to escape. Standing on that mountain I had to do some self-talk. I thought:

-       I need to recognize my natural urge to want to escape (and that it’s not healthy)

-       I need to recognize that the emotions I am feeling are uncomfortable

-       I need to recognize that it’s ok to be uncomfortable

-       I need to recognize that by being in this moment I am learning about strength and resilience

-       I need to recognize that these kids are my responsibility and I need to refocus my energies on them right now

So… I did. I spent time in the moment and proceeded on. We finished our nature walk without anyone fighting or getting hurt and I got some beautiful pictures. Success!

The following pictures are actually of the nature walk and of a time when we picked flowers for the sick teacher.

At Botshabelo everything is magnified. Life, death, sickness, joy, confusion, sadness, clarity and happiness are all experienced in a day. Being part of this unique community is teaching me so much.

In her book, The Places That Scare You, Pema Chodron writes, “When we practice generating compassion, we can expect to experience the fear of our pain. Compassion is daring. It involves learning to relax and allow ourselves to move gently towards what scares us… Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness can we then be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity”.

Botshabelo has forced me to do an inventory of the things I wanted to leave at home. I work on my shame, fear, and pain everyday. At Botshabelo we cry when we’re sad, rejoice when we’re happy and we all do it together. There is a cyclical relationship of giving and taking.

What I have learned about community here has forced me to think about community at home. It’s a concept I have been giving a lot of thought.

Back home I have a family – a complicated, messy, beautiful family. They are simultaneously a challenge and a blessing. With their influence, I am growing, day-by-day, into the woman I’m supposed to be. Everyday their love and support (however they may show it) pumps life into my heart and soul. They are the bread and butter. Alongside my family is the other family I’ve created myself. These are the people I live with and have chosen to engage in strong, intimate friendships with (you know who you are). This self-created family is also an integral part of the soul-shaping process and without them I would be so so so alone. Then of course, there are the friends and acquaintances that I choose to give time and energy to, people that I can learn from and grow with. All these relationships are important and all serve different purposes. The point I am trying to make is: without my community I would be a very sad, very lost, and very empty person.

I can already hear some of your arguments -

'we have to know who we are!'

'we have to do self-exploration!'

'other people can’t decide who we are or who we’re going to be! blah blah blah!

Well… duh.

You see… recently someone told me, “You need to be alone”. They were referring to not being in a relationship. I think this person was suggesting the idea that knowing yourself and growing means you can be better prepared for a significant relationship in the long run. I agree! (that’s not exactly breaking news, you know?) But, this person continued to press the idea of being alone and started to glorify the concept of ‘aloneness’, or as I will call it, ‘self-reliance’. This person was suggesting a weakness in ‘needing’ someone or ‘needing’ connection. Let me be blunt --- being humble in your ability to self-rely and be alone is a big ‘ole slice of bullshit pie! So, eat it up if you want to be miserable and unfulfilled. If you run from connection and love, you are running from life. Connection is like air. As humans, we are biologically hardwired for connection, love, and community.

I encourage all of you who are trapped in the lie of self-reliance to reach out and commit yourself to an experience that shows you the freedom of connection and community. Because, that is the bravest thing of all… to be vulnerable, authentic, and honest AND expect the same from others. I am by no means suggesting codependence. I also don’t want to ignore the importance of faith and spirituality (because those are DEFINITELY tied into all of this as well). I am just suggesting that you feel the hollow promise of self-reliance and then assess your connections and assess your heart.

“Honorable” aloneness is false. Friendships, relationships, all those ships – they are the sustenance of the soul.

And that's what I'm learning at Botshabelo. 

I love you all,

Christy